dad?

1. please know that you are not the reason for any of the cuts on my wrists and thighs
2. i have never been as broken as when I saw your face after i snuck out and came home at 5:19 am
3. you are the only one who truly knows me even if i deny it each time, maybe because we’re exactly like each other
4. i hate when you blame yourself for not raising me right every time I mess up
5. when you laugh at something i say, my heart honestly warms up so much because it is so rare for you to smile
6. i’m so sorry for all the mornings i slept in despite promising early bike rides
7. the most heartbreaking sound i have ever heard is when you cry at night
8. you’re the only who i believe when i ask if my dress looks good
9. i’m looking at the thousands of pictures you insisted we take every time we’re on vacation, i was so embarrassed then, now i just want to go back
10. thank you for working hard and putting in all the effort for me to do what i want
11. i love when you cook for us and ask how the food was
12. all the times that we’ve fought, i know you won’t be the one waking me up at 6 am for school with hot chocolate next morning
13. i want you to be the one who teaches my kids math the same way you taught me
14. nothing in this world will ever beat the rare times you hug me when you come home after a long day
15. i cry a little inside when you tell me you’re proud of my art and my writing
16. my favorite nights are when we stay up past 2 am watching movies
17. i could say so much more but my hands are too shaky and my throat clogged
18. my shirt is stained with tears as i type this, please come home now, i need you
19. i love you

they say you are the first man every girl will love

–19 things i wish i could tell my father before it was too late